Face it: The traditional bridal shower has a bad rap. The stereotype is the hen party, a vestige of another era when women wore white cotton gloves and knee-length skirts and sat with their legs crossed.
Throwing a bridal shower—or as they are also known now, couple’s shower (that’s right, the groom’s there, too)—is a first chance for friends and members of the wedding party to bond. It also gives the bride an opportunity to leave behind the stress of planning the wedding.
“It kind of kicks off the whole wedding festivities,” says Melody Browning, wedding planner and director of Historic Events, Wedding and Event Planning in Annapolis. “Showers are not passé. They are now bigger than they used to be.”
But not all couples want tea parties or backyard barbecues. Besides, “some brides who might be doing a second wedding or are older have an established household, they don’t necessarily need a shower,” says Stephanie Day of Dream Day Planners in Manchester.
But for the thoroughly modern couple, there are plenty of new ways to freshen up the tradition. Consider some alternatives:
The getaway shower: The wedding party rents a cottage at the beach for a weekend of relaxation.
The spa shower: Spas and beauty salons offer bridal packages with makeovers, facials, massages, and manicures. Usually the bridal party brings lunch.
The wine shower: Some couples put bottles of wine on their registry. Alternatively, guests could stock the couple’s bar.
The dinner shower: Each guest brings a recipe card with his or her favorite dish (preferably something quick and easy to make) along with canned foods, pastas, or a grocery gift certificate needed to make the dish.
The benefit of a couple’s shower is that it expands the tradition, bringing in the entire wedding party. The couple’s registry will include groom-oriented items, such as grills and gifts from home improvement and hardware stores.
“A couple years ago, it was all about the bride,” says Michele Adamo of Michele Damon Events in Baltimore. “We encourage couple’s showers, male and female guests.”
But some brides still want the traditional shower, usually a luncheon or afternoon tea. “The most important thing is to plan around the personality of the bride or groom,” Day says. “A bride who is casual or laid back or is more outdoorsy is not going to be interested in having a tea party.”
Similarly, Jennifer Grove of Sky Blue Events says there are no set rules as to whether the shower should be at a restaurant or on a picnic table in the backyard. “As long as it is a good reflection of the bride’s style, and it is the type of event that celebrates her pending nuptials, it works. As a planner, we style it and make it beautiful. That’s our favorite part.”
The shower is thrown by the maid of honor, the mother of the bride, or the mother of the groom. “Or it’s a combination of all of those people,” says Day. “Make sure that the bride contributes to the guest list. She should have a take on who is invited so that nobody is slighted.”
The invitation list includes the bridal party, aunts, grandparents, and any other female members of the family, as well as close friends of the bride. At one shower Day attended, the bride chose a man of honor instead of a maid of honor, and gamely, he attended the shower. “He was the token guy, and he made a joke out of it,” Day remembers. “He stayed at the shower a while and then went and played golf. He was a very good sport.”
Etiquette books once instructed that anyone who attended a shower should also be invited to the wedding. But in the real world, that isn’t always possible. Sometimes coworkers throw an informal shower on Friday afternoon. Afterward, if the bride feels pressured to invite them to the wedding but can’t afford it, she should instead plan an informal get together, Adamo suggests.
The person planning the shower should start by making a budget. For some families, that means the minimum—casseroles and sandwiches on a picnic table.
On the other end of the spectrum, Adamo knows of one shower in which the family rented out a rooftop with a view of the White House. Plans included professional floral design and a band. “Her bridal shower was more [in cost] than a lot of weddings we put together,” Adamo says.
Browning also recalls a shower with a flower centerpiece draped from the ceiling like a chandelier. “It was built for them,” she says. As a rule, Browning adds, “I do tell people that this [the shower] shouldn’t be where a huge chunk of the budget goes.”
On the low end, set a budget of $600 for cake and food. “That’s having it at someone’s home,” says Browning. The high end can be several thousand dollars, but that would include venue rental and catering. “I don’t recommend any more than $4,000, and that’s going overboard as it is. You can pull off a perfect bridal shower by keeping it simple.”
Many hosts use evite.com for shower invitations, but Grove still recommends traditional letterpress on paper. Invitations go out six to eight weeks in advance. “Schedules are so full,” she says, “You want to make sure that the people you want to attend can be accommodated.”
One couple had to be prodded to put together a gift registry, Adamo remembers. “They thought that if they didn’t register, no one would buy them anything and give them money instead.”
But Adamo explained the more likely scenario: “You’ll get 15 sets of coasters.” Some guests, particularly older guests, resist the idea of giving money. For years, etiquette experts strictly instructed against it. So if they can’t find a registry, they’ll just buy a gift. It will be to their taste—not yours.
The problem is that some couples actually need little by way of china or wine glasses. They’ve been living together. They’ve already bought what they need and now they are merging two households. Simultaneously, they are paying for a wedding and bleeding money.
“We get asked all the time how they can relate that they don’t want gifts. They want money,” says Adamo. “There is no way to convey that.”
Some online sites have registries that allow guests to donate to the couple’s honeymoon. The best way to get the word out about registries is through the couple’s website or having parents tell guests where the couple is registered.
Before the shower, couples should give thought to their registries. Gifts typically range from $50 to $1,000, but Adamo remembers one registry that featured bottles of an expensive wine, a $2,000 grill, and digital cameras.
She urges couples to include simple items on a registry at Target or Bed, Bath & Beyond. It will be a relief to non-millionaire friends.
Besides, Adamo points out, “You’ll still need practical things.”